“Fuck Batman”: The 7 Most Likely Characters To Call Bruce Wayne Out On His Bullshit

There was a lot of debate upon the release of the first Titans trailer about whether or not Dick Grayson would ever say “fuck Batman”. That debate lessened upon the release of the first episode, where it became clear that it sounded way better in context. But there was still a lot of people that evidently think it was out of character, judging from how many comments I saw saying that’s more something Jason would say. Personally, I think that’s nonsense and Dick would absolutely say that. When it comes to calling out Bruce and doing the opposite of what he says, Dick is the original. But he’s far from the only one.

7. Stephanie Brown
Stephanie Slaps Bruce.pngWhat an icon.

So the context of this panel is that Steph just found out that Bruce is, in fact, not dead. Naturally, she was mad, and demanded to know if all she’d just gone through was some kind of trick or game. Bruce, being Bruce (which is to say, kind of a dumbass, sometimes), told her it was a test. Stephanie…did not take that very well.

Steph and Bruce have often not gotten along, what with him frequently telling her not to do stuff, dismissing her abilities, and used her to make Tim jealous so he’d come back. So this slap was kind of a long time coming. After this, she was all, oh God, did I really just slap Batman? Bruce was more, what just happened? Then she told him she was glad he wasn’t dead, then ran off. Go, Stephanie. This was beautiful.

My point by all that rambling: Stephanie’s middle name might as well be “Fuck Batman”.

6. Jason Todd

Okay, this one’s a no-brainer. As much as I disagree with the claims that Titans Dick is more like Jason than Dick, it’s true that Jason has spent years being in a state of fuck Batman. Unlike Dick, though – and most others on this list – Jason’s fuck Batman is mainly in words, not spirit.

Jason spent a huge amount of time post revival complaining about how the Joker was still alive, how Bruce would have killed him for Dick, and a lot of other similar things. He claims he doesn’t care what Bruce thinks about what he does, but he very clearly does – he does a string of irrational nonsense for the sake of getting Bruce’s attention. He could have gone anywhere after his resurrection, but he went back to Gotham. Because unlike Dick, who felt smothered and wanted space/for everyone to see him as him and not an extension of Bruce, Jason acted out so people would look at him.

5. Commissioner Gordon

Oh, look, the guy that’s just trying to get through the day when Batman shows up and vanishes on him when he’s talking. And probably introducing quite a few problems and villains even as he deals with others. The Commissioner Gordon brand of “fuck Batman”: “Fuck Batman, here I am, doing my job and this guy insists upon being obnoxious when interrupting me”.

4. Oswald Cobblepot

Oooh, look, the one villain on this list!

If there’s a single villain that’s gonna say “Fuck Batman”, it’s got to be Penguin, just for the sake of Love Bird. It all amounted to a very sweet story where Batman spoke on his behalf and explained everything to his girlfriend, but still! Penguin was trying to go straight with an umbrella factory and help out ex-cons who couldn’t get jobs elsewhere, Bruce saw felons entering the building and burst in to investigate, and Penguin got sent back to jail for violating his parole by consorting with known felons. Come on, Bruce!

3. Barbara Gordon

Barbara Gordon, the first Batgirl, Oracle, one of the coolest heroes in all of Gotham. Also: viewed by practically everyone as a lesser version of Bruce.

As Oracle, she’s not second to anyone. She’s a member of the Batfamily, yes. She’ll work with all of them with relatively few issues. But Bruce Wayne being the control freak that he still tries to push her around, even though she’s not his sidekick, she’s his equal. So perhaps not fuck Batman…but definitely shut the fuck up, Batman.

2. Clark Kent

When it’s not Bruce’s relatives, it’s Clark that has to deal with Bruce. And as much as I love their friendship, Bruce is not an easy person to be friends with. The man keeps a chunk of kryptonite in the Batcave. The sole purpose of said substance is incapacitating Kryptonians! Clark may have nigh-incomprehensible amounts of patience, but Bruce has got to be trying even him.

1. Dick Grayson

Of course.

Dick has to get the number one slot in this list, just by seniority. Yes, technically Gordon predates him. But Dick has spent more time actually putting up with Bruce’s nonsense. Think of all the gripes he must have by now:

  • Firing him
    • Granted, this one depends on which version of continuity we’re going with, but Post-Crisis, Bruce fired Dick as Robin. Dude! Not cool.
  • Making Jason Robin without giving him so much as a heads up text
    • Sure, Dick had grown out of being Bruce’s sidekick. And I’m pretty sure Dick approved of letting Jason have the mantle pretty quickly in all versions of the story. But that was still his name! It wasn’t Bruce’s to give.
  • Constantly criticizing his decisions
  • Only singing his praises to everyone when he’s not there
    • I mean, yes. Bruce is probably less stingy with the praise to Dick than to any of
    • Only Thing Bruce Ever Did Rightthe other Batkids. But the stuff he says to other people about him is so much
      nicer, and if Dick finds out about it at all, it’s through someone else. Come on, Bruce! Rude.

And that’s not even half of it. They have a long history! So I don’t care what anyone says when they’re whining about Titans Dick being more like Jason or Damian. He’s got “fuck Batman” seniority.


Every Insane Thing That’s Happened On ‘Gotham’: Oswald Cobblepot Edition

I love Gotham. It’s a great show. But so much ridiculous stuff has happened over the course of the three and a half seasons, I had honestly forgotten about some of it, so I started making a reference post trying to keep track of all of it, because on Gotham, the crazy incidents combine to compose the plot. I started writing this post, and then I realized, hey, I can’t fit it all in one post, so this is going to be a series of several posts, sorted by character – just the mains, of course, if I tried to do every character, I’d never be done. So without further ado, let’s start with the most insane things that have happened to or because of Oswald Cobblepot AKA the Penguin, who began the series holding Fish Mooney’s umbrella while she beat up a man in an alley.

  • In the very first episode, Fish wants him dead for being a snitch to the Major Crimes Unit, which I don’t think has even existed since season one. Harvey Bullock wants the then-new to Gotham Jim Gordon to do it. Jim pretends to go along with it, but instead shoots in the air, pushes Oswald into the water, and warns him not to come back to Gotham. Oswald emerges on the other side of the river and kills a fisherman. Not so crazy yet! It starts off slow, we’re getting there.
  • Gets picked up while hitchhiking, then gets mad at the people giving him a ride once one says he looks like a penguin when he walks. He proceeds to kill that one and kidnap the other, who he kills after not his ransom demand is mistaken for a prank. Lesson: Don’t pick up hitchhikers.
  • Kills a few people, whatever, only notable because one of those people was a dishwasher at Maroni’s restaurant whose job he wanted to take.
  • Stages an armed robbery of the restaurant so the manager dies and he gets the job. Gotham City is a terrible place to live and work.
  • Surprise, Oswald’s really working for Falcone, all the other stuff was planned from the pilot.
  • Takes over Fish’s club and brings his mom to come see. Awww, that’s sweet.
  • Maroni locks him in a car about to be crushed, he escapes, and gets a ride with a bunch of ladies on a church bus.
  • Meets Nygma and threatens him when Nygma gives him a penguin fact. Okay, so not really relevant, but look how far we’ve come from then!
  • Kills a guy for heckling his mom, the entertainment at his club. He’s very temperamental, Oswald is.
  • Vows vengeance on Maroni for telling his mom that he’s a killer, not a club owner. Or at least, not only a club owner.
  • Declares himself king of Gotham.

And thus ends season one! Season one wasn’t great. Nor filled with much lunacy for Oswald, beyond the “locked in a car about to be crushed” thing. It picks up in season two, thankfully.

  • Theo and Tabitha kidnap his mom.
  • Cuts off Butch’s hand.
  • Tabitha kills his mom.
  • Looks unimpressed at Nygma’s low kill count, then gets a pep talk from Nygma about how Tabitha killing his mom resulted in him being freed from his biggest weakness. Holy foreshadowing, Batman!
  • Teams up with Gordon, Alfred, Selina, and Bullock to save Bruce, because apparently, the enemy of your enemy is your friend.
  • Beats up Galavan with a baseball bat, then shoves his umbrella down his throat.
  • Claims insanity and is sent to Arkham for the first, but not the last, time.
  • Undergoes “therapy” at the hands of Hugo Strange, gets declared cured, and is released.
  • Meets his father and bonds with him while his stepmother and step siblings plot against him.
  • Survives an attempted poisoning! But watches his father die instead.
  • Kills his step siblings and serves them to his stepmother. Gross, Titus Andronicus, much?
  • Kills his stepmother and mounts her head on a stand.
  • Convinces Butch that they need to get rid of Galavan, brings him to Wayne Manor where Azrael is attempting to kill the good guys, and steps aside so he can blow him up with a rocket launcher – also known as my favourite scene in the show.

So, onto season three!

  • Visits Nygma in Arkham with gifts.
  • Calls out the GCPD for being useless and not doing much to deal with Fish. Villain’s got a point!
  • Rallies a mob to hunt down Fish. At the end of the episode, said mob carries him on their shoulders and chants his name.
  • Announces his candidacy for mayor and arranges for Nygma to be released from Gotham to help him with his campaign.
  • Wins the mayoral election. Gothamites, make better choices. (Actually, please don’t, the show wouldn’t be nearly as much fun if you did.)
  • Butch reforms the Red Hood Gang so he can kill them all to regain Penguin’s favour. Said gang destroys the statue of Penguin’s mom.
  • Nygma forces Butch to attempt to assassinate Penguin in a gambit to solidify his own position as Penguin’s right hand man.
  • Realizes he’s in love with Nygma.
  • Tries to sabotage Nygma’s relationship with Isabella, a lookalike of Kristen Kringle, the sort of girlfriend he killed way back in season one.
  • Cuts the brakelines on Isabella’s car.
  • Barbara finds out out about his feelings for Nygma, tells Nygma, and the two of them team up to take him down.
  • Clayface pretends to be his father’s ghost as part of Nygma’s plan to gaslight and discredit him.
  • In a throwback to the pilot, Nygma shoots Penguin and throws him into the Gotham Bay.
  • Nygma spends most of an episode hallucinating a dead Penguin talking to him. This involves mocking the name “The Riddler” and breaking into song.
  • Ivy finds him and nurses him back to health.
  • Plots his revenge against Nygma and teams up with Ivy, who helps recruit some of Hugo Strange’s freaks.
  • Ends up locked up with Nygma in the Court of Owls’s prison. They’re not happy about it.
  • Works with Nygma to escape. They agree to not try to kill each other for the night.
  • Freezes Nygma alive and uses him as the centerpiece of his new club.

…this show just gets weirder and weirder, doesn’t it? Onto season four!

  • Issues “crime licenses” to bring the city to order. Gordon doesn’t like it, but you gotta admit, Penguin’s doing a better job than the GCPD ever did.
  • Tells Ivy to shut up too many
  • times, resulting in her turning off the lights and letting the Merton gang to get the drop on him.
  • Gordon teams up with the Falcones to take him down.
  • Nygma wants revenge on Penguin, this time because of the whole “he froze me and put me on display” thing, so he sends him riddles. Being frozen caused him brain damage, so the riddles are terrible. Penguin doesn’t kill him, because he finds it amusing to see how far he’s fallen.
  • Becomes an evil mentor to Martin, a random kid at Sofia’s orphanage.
  • Stabs a party goer for being willing to let Professor Pyg murder said kid rather than comply with his demand to eat the pies containing homeless people flesh (Ewwwww, why does this show have so much cannibalism?!).
  • Fakes Martin’s death so Sofia can’t use him as leverage anymore.
  • Winds up in Arkham again after being arrested for the one murder he didn’t commit and that didn’t even happen, an angry Victor Zsasz lying to Gordon and saying Penguin really blew the kid up.
  • Finds out Jerome is in the next cell.
  • Learns Nygma is back to being the Riddler.
  • Gets put through hell by Jerome, who is attempting to snap him out of his depression.

And that wraps up what has been released so far!

…who writes this stuff? I want to send them a fruit basket.